waking up is the hardest part
wondering was he really here?
is he standing in my room?
no hes not...
cause hes gone gone gone gone gone ..........

8 days.
oh my god.
8 days.

friday night was such a good night. lol
me and robyn got all gussied up and went to... the lions den. hahah its actually a nice spot in the quality hotel. anyway we went to meet my friend Jim and his guy friend Lindsay. (Lindsay wanted to meet robyn)
anyway me and robyn slammed back a few ponies (3 shots of whatever. in my case, vodka. and oj. but easy on the mix. only want enough to give it a bit of color.. lol. and they serve it in these big ass juggs. too funny) anyway we slammed back a few of those and chair danced the night away (there was no dance floor) to jonny cash and nelly singin, its gettin hot in here.
around 2 jim decided he wanted to take us to see the buffalo. (he wasnt drinking!) so we were like, whatever, got our stuff and piled into his bigass transport truck . anyway turns out there was a snowstorm goin on, so we couldnt make it to see the buffalo. lol so we drove around for a while, lookin at all the cars and trucks that were in the ditches.
robyn was in the back bunk with lindsay hahaha
so anyway, jim is like, i gotta get fuel. and i was like, good, cause im about to pee in the seat. so we drive and drive over this crazy freekin bumpy road while im trying to hold in my pee.. haha (bumps not good) we pull up he gets out to check the pumps, i get robyn out with me to pee... theres no gas station. just pump thingies for big trucks. im like wtf, where am i gonna pee?
haha
me and robyn was running through the freekin show, up to our shins, in high heals and or course, no socks. fuckin snow is blosing everywhere, its freezing.. halfway there, robyn was like, hold it, lets go to a gas station! (shes all drunk and half standing and her hair is a mess.. lol im laughing so hard..) i was like, "i cant wait! im about to pee a little now!" hahaha i went behind a snow pile and peed. the whole time robyn is motioning with her hands saying "come on les! come on!" lol
so i pulled up with pants and we ran back to the truck and took our shoes off. and emptied the snow out of them.
and he couldnt get fuel cause the fuel tanks had frozen (because it was like minus 40) so we drove around a bit, the roads were for SHIT. we never got home till like 4:30.
anyway. its not as funny to read it as it was to be there. i love robyns drunk hair. and her bed head. it kinda matts in the back and sticks up off in every direction. its too cute.

*so scared at gettin older.. Im only good at being young**

so were doing ok with packing.
we put a swiffer thing and a table in the hallway yesterday and within an hour it was gone.
we put our kitchen table and 3 chairs out there and within an hour it was gone.
we put 3 white fans out there, came in, mike realised there was a piece left in the apartment (he took them apart to clean them) went back to put it back on the fan... and they were gone. within minutes. lol
were like, wtf? whats someone watching us bring stuff out? haha waiting for us to turn around so they can grab it
haha

8 days. i cant believe it. Donna from jomomas says ill be back in a few months.
who knows..
i dont think so. but who knows.
4 more days of working here
7 more days to say goodbye to the people
the people
the person
*sigh*
and Nakita.. I dont know what Im going to do without Nakita.
she falls in love
she doesnt judge ..
theres no judgement here!
she falls in love..

oh my

wondering could you stay my love?
will you wake up by my side?
no he cant
cause hes gone gone gone gone gone ..........








*she takes you in with her crying eyes*

pezzyann was fooled on 3:44 p.m..

Britney Spears shaved her head?!
WTF?!?!?

girls on some drugs
and she got a lumpy head.

but shes brave.. ill tell you that.
maybe its like a starting over thing for her..

or maybe
she should lay off the crack.

pezzyann was fooled on 11:23 p.m..

sleep dont weep
my sweet love
your face its all wet
and your day was rough

so do what you must do
to find yourself
wear anothers shoe
or paint my shelves
theres times that i was broke
and you stood strong
i think i found a place
where i ..

sleep dont weep
my sweet lovey
our face its all wet
cause our days were rough

so do what you must do
to fill that hole
wear anothers shoe
to comfort the sole

theres times that i was broke
and you stood strong
i think i found a place
where i feel i will..

sleep dont weep
my sweet love
my face its all wet
cause my day was rough

so do what you must do
to find yourself
wear anothers shoe
or paint my shelves
theres times that i was broke
and you stood strong

i hope i find a place where
i feel i belong
sleep dont weep
my sweet love
my face its all wet
cause my day was rough
dont weep
my sweet love
my face is all wet
cause my days were rough

pezzyann was fooled on 6:25 a.m..

I lost him
I lost him
Is is that hard to love me?
I made lists of things to sell
to give away
for nothing
a years worth of work
of pain
of me
gone..
someone please tell me
whats
left

pezzyann was fooled on 3:27 p.m..

so a panic attack for sure
tonight
i leave in 18 days

18 days

ive got a years worth of stuff to do in 18 days
i cant even find time to do laundry FFS

its to fast.
theres too much to do
theres to much to say
theres not enough time
theres not enough air. i cant even breathe. cant catch my breath.
i cant sleep
i cant stop thinking
its all to fast. there isnt enough time.

i dont know what to do with everything.
i dont know how to say goodbye to everyone.

I am seriously sick to my stomach.

its like i came here to start again. to be someone better. or different at least.
im no different. im not better. im going home the same person.. only 30 pounds heavier and with a craving for screwdrivers. i lost touch with almost everyone home.
with myself.
im no better.
im no different.

i needed more time.
theres so much to do and not enough time.

i cant breathe.
theres not enough air.



*just to see you smile again*

pezzyann was fooled on 5:18 a.m..

im here at work.
listen to listen isa over and over and over
god ive got myself into something here! i dont want to leave it though...

*isas scared shell lose the boy that she once had*

how things have changed in the last year. and i swear to god, i wouldnt be here if it werent for robyn. i cant even imagine life here without her. so strange.

ive got to much time to think.. thats my problem. like.. all my mind does is think think think.
i lay awake at night thinking
i was awake 5:30 yesterday morning eating sheppards pie for breakfast and thinking.
christ.
i never thought so much in all my life.
my favourite place to think has become in the kitchen. while im waiting for something to cook/bake, i turn the light on in the stove, sit in front of the heat and watch it all happen.
weird i know.
that or the laundry room.
theres something about the laundry rooms here..
im to weird.
and i think to much.

its 10:00. almost time for me to go home. ive gotta get up at 5, do the bank deposits, then try to sleep and get up again for 8 to come to work. maybe ill just stay awake.

*just to see you smile again... listen isa dont you cry... listen isa dont you cry.. listen isa dont you cry.... cry *

In love.

its 1:30 home. its going to be weird adjusting to the time again.
its going to be weird being home.
there are some people here i can barely bring myself to leave. this has been my home. and i hated it sometimes. but now that im leavin.. and now that all this good stuff is happening to me here..
i kinda want to stay.

maybe im just thinking crazy. ive gotten shit for sleep in the last couple weeks. some nights im up till 3.. asleep till 5:30 (when mike gets up) and i just lay there awake untill my alarm goes off.

I have finally figured out how to use my ipod shuffle thing - thanks to sheldon.
that itunes is some confusing. lol i think ill just stick to my little ol windows media player.



* I wish for a place where the earth doesnt shake and
if the earth wont be still .... then you and I will *

pezzyann was fooled on 1:27 a.m..

Sometimes when she thinks
of him
she sits
quietly
holding her hands
holding her heart
becuase nothing in her life
has gone right

(maybe if what could have been...)

a world
a world on top of her shoulders
water over her head
she lives inside herself

and those that see her
look through her (except for him.. he saw beyond it)

They let go.

when she closes her hands
her fingers feel
so thick
and stiff
unfamiliar
as her own

she fears
somehow
she has lost herself




(yes, i got the line from debbie. something random to her made me think of something completely different. this is not about deb. :0) the way she said it just meant something else to me )

pezzyann was fooled on 5:04 a.m..

good gifts of love
good gifts you hand me down
from your first touch
to my wedding gown

do you even know
what you've given me
do you even see
that you are wisdom
you are wisdom to me

my song my soul
you gave so easily
I'll not forget
these gifts to me

we say goodbye
but we are not alone
here with me stay
my heart my home

do you even know
what youve given me
do you even see
that you are wisdom
you are
wisdom to me

my song my soul
you gave to easily
I'll not forget
these gifts to me

I'll not forget
these gifts to me

pezzyann was fooled on 4:41 a.m..

But I would chose you over all my past lovers
they have come and they have gone
but i can always turn you on*


Im so into melanie doane latele. im DYING to get the song, "good gifts" which i cant seem to find anywhere.
did i spell dying right?
who cares
point is... i wanna hear it and cant find it.

damn you limewire.
damn you...

things are going good here. a little hectic with the moving and packing. time is going by and i honestly cant believe im leaving. and to come home... what am i going to do?
what is there to say?
oh my..

so many decisions and choices to make. am i makin any of the right ones?

*how do you say ive always felt this way?*

its late and i cant sleep. 1:30 actually.
i hate nights like these where i lay awake and all this shit just goes through my head. Im all in my own head and because of the time difference, theres no one online to talk to. and if there was, what would i say anyway?

hmmm im pretty sure i had something to talk about before i started writing.
mike is being blimey to me. hes asleep. which somehow means he doesnt like me. he seems to really not like me when hes sleeping.
yes, i said blimey
hah
can it be used like that?
oh blimey!
im pretty sure it means shitty or sucky or whatever.

blimey.


i wish my mind would stop.




(reminder to self.. On Jan. 31, 2007... she beat a dead horse)

pezzyann was fooled on 4:55 a.m..